Fun With Urban Dictionary!

13Jun08

This week, the lady blogs are upset about UrbanDictionary.com – or, to be more specific, its definitions of “feminist.” And they are right! These things are horrible. Yet they are forgetting one very important issue: as it turns out, “feminism” isn’t the only thing which inspires rage seizures among the fine gentlemen of Urban Dictionary. It turns out that anything vaguely female-associated is bad.

First, here’s “feminist”:

A group of smart lesbian thieves who have realized there is money to be made from goverment grants and through tax benifits by falsely distorting statistics and screaming downright lies in the street.Thier HQ can usually be found in any womans abuse shelter.The screaming ones in the streets are just irritating,but beware the horn rimmed glasses,Birkenstock wearing ones who haunt the courts and halls of power,they are the ones who figure out how to bleed mens wallets dry.

Smart Lesbian Thieves? Why, that’s the title of my screenplay! Thanks, also, for figuring out that we’ve set up “headquarters” in domestic abuse shelters. It was a cunning ruse, was it not? In truth, we really don’t care whether you beat your wife to death or not – we’re after power, absolute power, and also we want your lunch money. Give it up, dudes.

More:

A hypocritical woman who doesn’t want men to have any rights whatsoever. Feminists do not want to shave their pits or wear bras to prove some point. Now, feminists do not want men checking their tits out, but now wearing a bra is just going to get more attention to that area. Most feminists do not want to be called “offensive” terms such as “babe” or “chick”, when men often get called “Dude”, “Buddy” and “Hunk” BY women. That is hypocritical. No one likes a hypocrite. Women deserve equal pay and all, but they don’t have to hate all men just because they can’t do their job as good as a man (in some cases). I think all feminist extremists should suck it up, shave their pits, eat shit and die.

Most of this is wrong in a big, obvious, date-rapey (or just regular old rapey) sort of way. The pressing question, for me, is this: who the hell calls guys “hunks”?

I also like the fact that this guy’s definition of “rights” seems to include specifically (and possibly only) the “right” to stare at your tits and call you “babe,” no matter what the context, and no matter who the woman in question might be. The bedroom? The office? The subway? Thanksgiving dinner with the family? It’s always a good time for tit staring! “Well, Grandma, looking through these old photos, it appears that you were a total babe. I can’t stop staring at your tits!”

Finally:

Feminist Woman: “We were created equal to men, therefore they should bow to us and shine our shoes with their tongues while we bitch and moan that they are not doing it right.”

To be honest, dude, lots of men aren’t that great at shoe-shining. It’s about using the flat of the tongue, not just its pointy little tip, which sort of jabs at me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Also, it helps to vary pace and pressure, like, you might try sort of teasing it instead of going in for the kill right away, and… oh, wait. You were talking about actual shoes. I thought you were using a euphemism! I’m sorry.

But there’s more! It’s not just that feminists want to degrade all men and steal their earthly possessions and turn them into slaves. There is a more important issue: feminists are wrong, because women, in fact, are bad. From “women”:

A beast created by God to enduce pain upon man for eternity. Bleeds for seven whole days and does not die. Can suck the life out of a man to create smaller evil beast to defend them in court and steal man’s hard earned money.

And again:

Ain’t nothing but trouble (to men everywhere at one time or another). Often think guys never pay attention to them, but just as often only notice attention if it’s from someone they are currently interested in.

These are my two favorite arguments against women: a) that, if you fuck them, they will take your lunch money, and b) that they don’t want to fuck you, and are, therefore, deeply confused. Maybe it would help if you weren’t a raging asshole? Just a thought.

Perhaps a more scientific outlook would be useful. Let’s check “female.”

the life support system for a vagina

So that’s why it has a respirator! I was wondering about that.

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Tags: feministing, feminism, holy wrath of ellen page, urban dictionary, give me your lunch money, vagina life support, women, female, all aboard the s.s. douchebag, smart lesbian thieves, shiny shoes, jezebel